Sunday, June 19, 2011

Parental Performance Review

Today is Fathers' Day, of course, and for me it started off a bit oddly. Normally my 22-month old son Caleb makes the alarm clock a bit superfluous, but today I was actually awake before him...a rare occurrence.  As I made my way downstairs, treading oh so quietly, I found the laptop sitting open on the table in the living room. I had gone to bed before my wife, Lisa, so I just assumed she'd had late night inspiration and hadn't bothered to close the laptop when done. I could not have been more mistaken. What I found staring at me from from the screen was, in essence, a performance review or critique from my young son. I leave it to you to determine if his observations are accurate.

He's not as soft as Mama and he doesn't smell as good.
Despite his efforts I don't think he ever really could.
He doesn't have a lot of hair and most of it is gray
I only hope that I'm not destined to wind up that way.

He's fine for filling bottles up and swapping diapers out.
And feeding me is something he is rather good about.
I sometimes let him snuggle me and make his cooing sounds.
When Mom and sis are busy he's the last stop on my rounds.

I know he seems to work a lot and not be round the house.
It gets me toys and such and so, on that point, I won't grouse.
And Mama always drones on how he loves us kids and her.
With minimal experience, I guess I will concur.

I know he likes to hold me tight and sing for me a song.
It's easiest to deal with him if I just play along.
And even when I close my eyes as if I want to rest.
He still insists on clutching me against his hairy chest.

I know he likes to write and read and so I have no doubt
That some day he will show me what the fuss is all about.
I have to say his taste in television matches mine.
And so, for all of that, I'd have to say he's doing fine.

So much he has to teach me but I dare not think or ask
If he has the skills required to complete this awesome task.
There's girls and sports and how to handle bullies on the list
And jobs and school and lots of topics I don't know exist.

He really seems a decent sort, if limited a bit.
The job of raising me I hope is one he doesn't quit.
For if he does I sense that I might be most truly screwed.
He just can't leave me here to be the one and only dude.

I'm sure I need not worry that he'll wander off some day.
We have quite a busy schedule and so many games to play.
So many Sponge Bob episodes we still have yet to view.
I'm pretty sure he'll be around with all of that to do.

For all the love he shows me and the working and the food.
I'd have to place his ranking between excellent and good.
There's room for some improvement but he's really not half bad.
And so, I think, I'll have to give a B Plus to my Dad.


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