Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm NEVER Moving Again

Welcome back to The Vault where things are more than a little bit hectic this week. My family and I are in the process of moving (ugh). Moving always entails far more brutal, pain-inducing tasks than I care for. Disregard the boxing, bagging, and battling with all of the things you do NOT intend to leave behind...that hassle is a given.

The physical process of moving furniture and major appliances is when the real fun begins. Moving furniture is the most basic activity that indicates that the laws of physics are not nearly as cast in stone as the Eggheads would lead one to believe.

This is the moment when you look at a four foot wide couch and a three foot wide door. Your first reaction is, "There is NO way that THIS is gonna fit through THAT!!" Here is where it gets tricky. You realize that THIS is currently on THIS side of THAT, so it must have been possible at some point in time for an alternative state to exist.
(Proof positive of the mutability of physics.) Scientists claim that every experience we have in life imprints itself into our brains. Try accessing the specific memory engrams on how in Hades you got THIS to fit through THAT to begin with. It shouldn't be that hard to recall right? Go ahead...I dare you! Ain't gonna happen folks! Take hope, friends, because inevitably THIS will eventually fit through THAT. It will. It has to. Doesn't it?!?

It does....really. I know the suspense was unbearable there for a bit. After much pain and suffering your large and heavy furniture will make the transposition from HERE to THERE. Then, of course, let's not forget that the whole process will be repeated when THERE has now become HERE. I know...physics is really one confusing bitch kitty eh?

There will be other incidental consequences of flying in the face of these laws by which our reality is governed. You knew there would be...right?? Knuckles will be scraped, bruised, bloodied and possibly...broken. It's going to happen. It's going to hurt...a lot. It's going to result in you saying words you were not intending that your 9-year old should learn...EVER. But it WILL happen. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the sooner the pain will begin and the sooner it can run its course. Brave face there little camper...brave face.

There is hope on the horizon...really. Given the migratory lifestyle I grew accustomed to in the Army I have done this moving thing a time or two. Okay, I have lost track of the number of times. The point is that I have undergone the procedure and survived it more or less intact. Eventually, after much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth THERE will become HERE and life will be good. We will settle down on our newly-relocated furniture and breathe a collective sigh of relief. We will solemnly swear to ourselves that this is it. We will live, grow old and die RIGHT where we are rather than ever have to go through this again. There is a good chance that we will be lying to ourselves BIG time...but we really, really do mean it this time.

Thus I will end my first of a series of posts as I chronicle our ordeal this time around. As a teaser of what is to come...let me offer this. I have NO idea what font this post appears to you in. I don't have the option to insert eye-catching graphics. I can't spell check this post.

Why you ask? I am posting through the somewhat limited capabilities of my not-so-smart phone. I felt it was of sufficient importance for me to share this experience with you to try it by phone. I am not on the trusty laptop thanks, again, to physics. It seems shutting off utility services HERE is far easier than getting them turned on THERE. Enough said for now and thanks for your understanding if this post looks a bit subpar for me. Stop in tomorrow as the ordeal continues.

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