Friday, April 13, 2012

Cinematic Appreciation


Josh met Stephanie when she hired him to roof her aging bungalow house. The place had seen its better days and his quote was a small fortune. She hadn’t batted an eye, handing him a check for the full amount up front. It had been her parents’ first place and had sentimental value to her. 

Her dad was one of those Dot-com millionaires and took care of his little girl’s needs. She didn’t have a job or need one.

What Stephanie did have was an extremely well-developed obsession with all things horrific, bloody and gory. Her collection of paintings, drawings and sculptures would make even Hieronymus Bosch puke!

Then, there was her “film vault”. She proudly showed him over ten thousand VCR tapes and DVD films. She boasted of having the finest collection of horror films on the West coast and he was too numbed to dispute her.

From left field, she invited him to a get-together with her “inner circle”. He’d been in the midst of refusing when she informed him her friends were quite an eclectic bunch. Many of them, she enticed, might have need of a skilled roofer. The hook was set and he was her, just that easily.


Her friends proved to be every bit as flakey as he’d expected. Stephanie laid out a hell of a spread, though, and had plenty of imported beer, so he figured it wasn’t all that bad.

At length, Stephanie declared it was time for the evening’s entertainment. Dressed in a diaphanous robe, she hooked Josh’s arm and sat next to him as the lights dimmed.

What followed was six HOURS of some dumb-assed zombie movie series. Josh went from bored to napping in no time flat. He was, abruptly, awakened by a cool hand on his member. Stephanie whispered in his ear that nothing got her juices flowing like a good Zombie-fest.

From then on, his presence was required at movie nights. He tried his best to feign interest in her seemingly-endless supply of movies, but wasn’t that good an actor.

She was incredulous that he could not grasp the subtleties of the genre. She would rant until his eyes glazed over and her voice grew hoarse. Then, they would have wild monkey sex and he’d leave. It became a predictable outcome, but neither of them made a move to end.

Tonight, she’d promised, would be different. He’d never attended one of her Friday the 13th mega parties…until now. Fearing the worst, he agreed to come.

The guests were what he’d come to expect. Then, he saw Lincoln and Lara in the far corner. He smiled at that. They were the only two of Stephanie’s numerous acquaintances that he actually liked.

Linc was a tall, well-built black guy who shared Josh’s twin loves of beer and college hoops. He wasn’t sure how Linc came to know Stephanie but didn’t really care all that much.

Lara was tall, blonde and tanned with truly phenomenal breasts. While Josh had never been much of a “boob man”, they were still a rather pleasant visual diversion.

He grabbed a beer and made his way to the corner. He’d barely gotten a few words out before Stephanie came sliding up.

“Josh! You’re going to LOVE the cinematic jewels I’ve got for us tonight. We’re watching all twelve Friday the 13th movies…back to back. Then, we usher in the dawn with champagne and crepes!”

At that moment, something snapped inside Josh.

“Aww fuck no! There is no way I’m sitting through that. You need some serious psychiatric help, woman! I’m done with this bullshit. How many of these stupid pieces of shit can one person watch?!? It’s the same crap over and over and OVER!”

Linc and Lara stood in stunned silence. Stephanie, for once, seemed at a loss for words. As Josh made to leave, she grabbed his arm.

“You sad man! I can see you’ll only be convinced by a graphic demonstration. What you claim is ‘the same crap over and over again’ is…inaccurate. It’s not the common aspects that matter. It’s not WHAT will transpire that makes it worthwhile; it’s the delicious suspense of WHEN?”

Her right hand emerged from beneath her robe clutching a small automatic pistol. With no further ado, she raised her arm and fired a round squarely between Linc’s eyes. His head exploded in a crimson haze of blood, hair and bone fragments. He dropped to the floor like a marionette with cut strings.

“Of course the black man ALWAYS dies in the standard scenario. But when…when will he die…and how?!? Do you see my point, darling?”

Before anyone could react, Stephanie’s left hand described a tight arc of force, burying a carving knife to the hilt between Lara’s magnificent mammaries. Her eyes shot wide and she gave a soft whimper as she stumbled backwards, falling on her backside.

“Of course the blonde bitch with the biggest tits NEVER survives to the end. Again, it is the delightful anticipation of her death that makes the magic...not the death itself. Is it becoming clear, my love?”

It was becoming clear to Josh that Stephanie was a complete fucking loon. Sadly, while he was still thinking, she was reacting. Her eyes welled with tears as she brought the pistol up and the remaining rounds thudded home into Josh’s chest one after another.

She knelt over his cooling body and planted a feathery kiss on his quivering lips. She placed her mouth close to his ear and spoke softly.

“What you also failed to remember, my sweet man, is that the boyfriend only survives the scenario, perhaps, half of the time. I shall miss you, you foolish mistaken man.”

Rising to her feet, she surveyed her other guests. Sniffing loudly, she finally spoke.

“Cissy, will you get the lights? Raymond, you shall have the remote? And could someone please make sure we have plenty of popcorn made before we get started?”

1 comment:

  1. Rather fun play with the rules of classic horror movies

    ReplyDelete