Friday, September 28, 2012

Betraying The State


Colonel Xiao wore an expression of undisguised contempt. Turning, he examined the gateway. What a foolish thing! It indulged inane religious beliefs that had no place in the enlightened nation-state he had worked all of his life to solidify.

“So, you will explain to me again where the dissidents fled to? They ran through this gateway and then…simply…vanished?” His tone seemed calm and orderly but an undercurrent of barely restrained rage was evident.

The faltering but affirmative replies of his soldiers left little doubt they must be sent to one of the re-indoctrination camps today. They were obviously quite insane. 




This story was written for the weekly Friday Fictioneers prompt based on a photo prompt provided by Sandra Cook.  Any and all constructive feedback for this story is appreciated.

13 comments:

  1. haha! I like it. Oh, not very constructive..the problem being that I really like your writing style . I found the last sentence funny but am not sure if that was your intention.

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  2. The re-indoctrination camp sounds creepy. good for those who vanished. Well done.

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  3. It was intended as satirical humor since anything he doesn't understand means the other party is obviously insane. Your feedback is always constructive. If you liked it, it tells me I'm doing something right to appeal to readers. See how that works? Thanks.

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  4. This reads so real. Well done. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/09/28/fridayfictioneers-my-dream/

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  5. Hi Jeffrey,
    Effective political commentary. If only there were really such an easy way to escape totalitarianism. Ron

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  6. Very astute assessment of history and politics--would that there had been such a way to escape. Well done--and I feel for those soldiers headed to re-education camps even though they told the truth. A stark touch of reality there.

    Here's mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/dukkha/

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  7. Well written. And I liked that last line very much.

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  8. I like it and especially the use of the last line to clarify who's really insane here. :-) I wish all dissidents had a place like this where they could go and be safe. Could we send a bunch to Syria, do you think?

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  9. I love the idea of the soldiers or dissidents escaping through the portal, and the General's disdain is very evident. The only crit point I had was to suggest you leave 'Turning' off the second sentence. It reads much better that way to me. Too bad the soldiers standing there explaining to him didn't turn and run through the portal themselves. But perhaps what waits on the other side is even worse!

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  10. Hate to say it but I suspect I, too, would have thought the soldiers quite insane under the circumstances (or worse, collaborators, and then we're back to Rochelle's "1000 cuts").

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  11. he needs a little imagination and flexibility.

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  12. Dear Jeffrey,

    I love the contrast you wrote into this story. The troops are going to be re-educated butat least they won't have to go through the gate. Which begs the question, why did not the Colonel walk through to follow the dissidents?

    Great tale.

    Aloha

    Doug

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