Friday, November 30, 2012

Happy Holidays?


The walk into town had taken Sam just under an hour. He’d had to push himself pretty hard but his son, David, had been insistent Sam better be there to get picked up at six sharp. 

It was now half past eight and Sam was cold, tired and hungry. He didn’t like to consider his son had forgotten about him or changed his mind but not much else made any sense.

He’d left the confusing cell phone at home and had no change to use a pay phone to call David. At nine, he started the long walk back home.


This story was written for the Friday Fictioneers
weekly flash fiction prompt based on a photo by the esteemed hostess, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. 

14 comments:

  1. at that point, we have to hope it was just a matter of changing plans and not something sinister. i've been in that situation, feeling very helpless, and luckily it was just a misconnection.

    i hope you don't mind, but i like to take other stories and edit to save words. here's your first paragraph:

    The walk into town had taken Sam just under an hour. He’d had to push himself pretty hard but his son, David, had been insistent Sam better be there to get picked up at six sharp. 36 words.

    Walking into town took Sam almost an hour. He pushed hard because his son David insisted he get picked up at 6 sharp. 23 words.

    i'm not saying it has the exact same meaning, but it's just something i like to do. hope you don't mind.

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    Replies
    1. good edits, brain snorts! here's mine: http://www.wideninggyrus.com

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  2. A well paced story here...too much of casual description that i fear for the next move. Well done!

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  3. I don't think there's anything sinister here, I think the kid's just being inconsiderate in leaving his old man standing around in the cold, and assuming he'll get the text that he was sent to tell him about the change in plans. Kids, eh?

    100 words exactly too, no shortening required. :-)

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  4. Not only was the paragraph good as is, it does more to draw the reader in. Just my opinion, but sometimes cutting words cuts out the feel of the story.

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  5. Good use of the title (something I think can really enhance a piece.) Very good job of conveying a sad story. I didn't get a sinister vibe, although when reading any Fictioneers story, I'm prepared for almost anything. :-) I also like the bit about the confusing cell phone, which is true for too many seniors.

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  6. A couple of small touches here that really flesh out the character of the old man. Both his anticipation and his disappointment are palpable.

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  7. Hi Jeffrey,
    A good story about disconnection and how frustrating that is and I like that you emphasized that when you lack resources, it makes problems more likely. Well done. Ron

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  8. Dear Jeffrey,
    You did a great job of conveying Sam's frustration with his son and with present technology. His inconsiderate son deserves a slap to the back of his thick head.
    shalom,
    Rochelle

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  9. If I'd read this story anywhere else than on Friday Fictioneers, I'd say it's frustration and musunderstanding, but I expected a dark and sinister twist here. The lacking twist actually made the story better IMHO.

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  10. the line about the cell phone really made me feel for him. I had a bad feeling making him walk all that way was just part of some hidden agenda of punishing him. It was very enjoyable.

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  11. Jeffrey, nice read. I think the detail about the cell phone tells us so much, and adds to feeling of being disconnected and isolated. With technology, we take some things for granted like clear, direct communication, and committing to a plan. I think with technology, people are little more flaky about doing this.

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  12. Not sure what to think about this. I'd HATE to think the son deliberately left the dad there just because he was later than planned. Dang kids.

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  13. In the son's defense, that dad left the cell phone at home!

    Good, sad story.

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